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I felt myself tossing and turning in bed, an unusually uncomfortable bubble of warmth surrounded my person, forcing beads of sweat to form along my brow. When I finally did come to, I gazed over at my alarm clock that read ‘3:07am’ in its harsh red coloring.
This has been happening more and more since my last visit with Father Gio, this is my third sleepless night. I thought that I had made peace with what we had done, but my mind seems to have other ideas. I couldn’t help but wonder if what we had done was truly against the teachings and if so why the priests were so willing to defile them. The gay guilt had already been eating away at me before this, to have ignored that warning and allowed myself to further explore until I engaged in a physical sin was something I struggled with.
Memories of my previous encounter with Father Gio come rushing back into my mind. A mix of arousal and confusion overtakes me as I reminisce about our sexual encounter. In the moment I wasn’t able to think clearly, the physical touch brought my mind into a haze as I tried to deny the excitement that had come over me when I felt his touch.
I wondered if Father Gio was also experiencing this overwhelming sense of gay guilt as I paced between the walls of my bedroom. The floorboards beneath me squeaking, acting like a metronome to help bring together my scattered thoughts. I didn’t want to feel responsible for steering Father Gio down a path of sin, despite the sympathetic priest feeling as though he could see my own true desires. It felt as though he was guiding me through the motions. Could it be that priests were better accustomed to this than the average churchgoer was? Was sex between priests more normalized within the church than I realized? Perhaps the best way to clear this up would be to speak with him directly?… (more in CatholicBoys…)
